rock ..hard place

Everyone knows now... pretty much......tummy is getting bigger.

I wish i could have a few glasses of wine without worrying about the effects it might have on the baby. I think it would help me chill after a stressy or l o n g day at the office. EVERY day at the office is l o n g at the moment.

My house is untidy....but starting to come together...and work annoys me. So i go to work and cant wait to come home...and then i come home and I am exhausted and cannot be ARSED trying to sort out the house.

Its just exhausting

I need to either win a shit load of cash or train my eldest to be a maid

a rush of blood to the head

Had the scan .....little baby was standing on its head having a kick and a wiggle.

Dont know why but as soon as i saw the baby ....I'm more +ve. I feel happy now ive seen its real and what i also saw was S's reaction to his 3rd child.....that was wonderful and real.

Then we finished off the morning with a "well done" McDonalds Sausage/egg mcmuffin.....which rocked.

probability

i'm getting tired of being tired....i cant remember it carrying on this long when i was pregnant with mouse. I still worked overtime and went to the gym.

Really concerned about tubbing out .... but maybe thats cos i lost loads of weight when S left. Ive put 10 lbs on since December and bearing in mind i am 12 weeks pregnant now it aint that bad being 9st 10.

Got to get my ass in the pool or the gym at least 3x per week. That way i will have enough energy to look after 3 kids

I wonder what the baby is .....i have 2 girls now....i think probability is stacked on a girl.

Would like a boy though......

Ball games

Over did it at the weekend. It was club day and we took the kids and watched the parade and I joined in a game of rounders...foolishly.

I'm a fairly fit chick but I havnt played rounders for about 15 years for gods sake.

So yesterday and today I am suffering with tummy cramping which I am hoping is an abdominal sprain and absolutely nothing to do with my pregnancy

worried .....

what i hate

• the wank literature the midwive gives me about pregnancy and birth
• not drinking red wine
• not staying up past 10pm without loooking like a zombie
• saying "no" to brie and pate
• that i am not going to New York for my 10th wedding anniversary

Connected

Cant fit in my favourite pants now .....the ones that used to hang off my hips in December when i was gaunt with stress.

I am excited.....I'm not just writing that to convince myself......

I just havnt mentally recovered from the drama of xmas I dont think. I hope i do soon...

This is my last pregnancy and I want to love every moment. There is nothing I love more in this world than feeling the baby move inside me as the all the shit carries on around me ....oblivious.

Me and my unborn and our private little connection

erase and rewind

11 weeks now and just over a week to our dating scan.

I wonder when there will finally be a time when I can forget about that evil bitch and how weak my husband was during 2005.

I worry about him coming off the medication because what if its the pills that are keeping him happy and the reality is he really doesnt want to be with us......and by that time there is me and 3 children.

I realise that part of these insecurties are linked to my pregnancy.

I just wish last year never fucking happened

Ham-tastic

S and I had an argument the other day over ham...

Yep HAM.

Main gist is ..... there aint much I fancy(due to nausea) and lots of food is owt of bounds. We buy ham and I am like...sorted ...i have lunch all week at work totally covered. Go to the fridge in the morning ...to find ne pas de ham. Culprit = S eating all said ham out of the packet the night before.

Rage and irrational behaviour follows + tears and tantrum resulting in me breaking baby-mouses breakfast bowl - which came as a set.

Fucking hormones

About time

Ive been wanting to talk about this for fucking ages.....and i mean for 6 bastard weeks now.

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child.

Ordinarily ...... this is just the best fucking news but bearing in mind what happened over christmas ....I'm just so scared and feel vulnerable.

I was in bed early the other night ....it was still light outside...and I am just so exhausted. I am lying in bed and could i sleep .....could i FUCK.

It occured to me that other people...my friends....my family and eventually anyone who reads what I write will think that I am a crafty bitch and got myself knocked up to keep my husband from straying ito the arms of another infected southerner.

This is not the case......S was ecstatic when he heard ...... it is I that have struggled with the news.